I Will Survive
by WhoKnows1125
Summary: ***Please note, the rating has changed to M for chapter 5***    What if Castle quit waiting on Kate?  What if he moved on?    Rated T for some language.
1. Done

**A/N:** Don't get me wrong, I'm a big Caskett fan and still holding out hopes for this season. But, I was listening to Cake's remake of the song "I Will Survive" and it made me think about Castle and what if he quit waiting on Kate...

**Time-line:** I imagine this happening just after Beckett walks in on Castle kissing the blonde that we saw in the previews for next week's episode, "Eye of the Beholder" episode 4X05.

**Disclaimer:** Fan-fiction = These characters are not mine... :-)

**Chapter 1: Done**

Kate stopped short after walking into the room. She could not believe what she was seeing. After everything they had been through in the last year, after what they had said, what she had heard, she had walked in on Castle kissing another woman. Castle looked up as Beckett, Esposito, and Ryan entered and he looked right at Kate. He saw the expression on her face and he was confused. She seemed angry and hurt. She turned without a word and stormed from the room. He stood, shocked, for a moment and then followed her outside.

Kate's thoughts were racing as she headed to her car. What had she just seen? Castle. Kissing. That Woman. Why? He'd said he loved her. Not, she thought sheepishly, that he knew she'd heard him. No. She'd talked to him about walls and her mom's case. She'd thought they had an understanding. That he'd wait... but that conversation had been a while ago and they hadn't talked of it since then. Looking for whatever privacy she could find, she got in her car and shut the door, leaning her head back against the headrest and closing her eyes giving in to her swirling thoughts and emotions.

Castle had been surprised to see her standing there, and even more surprised to see the look on her face before she left the room. He didn't understand why she'd been so mad. Well, he had a suspicion it was jealousy but it surprised him. Since the day on the swings, they hadn't talked about them. Even that day, they hardly talked about them. They talked about walls and cases and reasons it wasn't the right time. Again. Still.

Then, for weeks and weeks, nothing more. He'd come to believe that she wouldn't or couldn't face what there might be between them. Not now. Maybe never. So, he'd moved on. He hadn't wanted to but didn't see what choice he'd had. And now, this. She was hurt because he was with someone else. What did she expect? He couldn't have her but he couldn't have anyone else either? Screw that! He was angry by the time he found her in the car. Without meeting her eyes, he got in the passenger seat and shut the door behind him far harder than he'd intended.

Kate had been sitting in the car, awash in fear and guilt. She didn't see him coming towards the car but felt him approach. She couldn't stop the instinctive flinch as he slammed the door. He was angry with her. She wasn't ready to face this.

"Castle. Not now," she started.

He interrupted her, "Kate's famous last words, huh?" he replied sarcasm dripping off his words. "It's always 'Not now, Castle.' with you isn't it?" he demanded. He glanced at her, seeing the shock on her face. He felt a twinge of guilt at the hurt look she wore but he continued anyway, too angry to stop himself. He took a ragged breath, trying to regain some control. His voice was quiet when he started again.

"Kate, what is your problem? How long do you expect me to play this game?" he asked; his words were getting louder again. He sighed, raking a hand back through his hair. He hadn't come out here to yell at her, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. He steeled himself before looking at her again. "How long am I supposed to wait? How long do I let you string me along, waiting for you to give me a chance? Waiting for you to give us a chance? I know. You need to solve your mother's case. You need the closure. I get that. But how long is that going to take? How many months, Kate? How many years? What if you solve it and you still aren't ready? What excuses are you going to come up with then? You seem so content to continue things the way they are. I'm here when you need me but you don't have to put yourself out there. You don't have to risk getting hurt."

"Castle...Rick," she tried to interrupt him.

"No!" he growled at her. "No more explanations, no more excuses," he looked straight into her eyes, "No more waiting." He looked out the car window, taking a deep breath to steady himself. "I'm done, Kate. I'm done following you around like a..." he trailed off unwilling to finish the thought out loud. "I can't spend my life waiting on something that may never be." Meeting her eyes again, he said softly, "She's not you Kate, but she's here." He reached for the handle and opened the car door. After exiting, he quietly closed the door and walked away without looking back.

She watched him leave, hoping against hope he'd turn around. He always came back, didn't he? But she knew, deep inside, that this time was different. Silently, she watched him hail a cab, give the driver directions and slip inside. She watched the vehicle pull away, taking him out of her life. When she couldn't see him any more, she leaned against the steering wheel and didn't even try to stop the tears that fell. What had she done?

Sitting in the back of the cab, Castle felt bad for yelling at her but not as bad as he'd expected. He was tired. So damn tired of the whole thing. He loved Kate and would for the rest of his life but he couldn't do it anymore. He smiled grimly as a favorite song came on the radio. Moving on didn't feel good, but it felt right.

_I Will Survive - Cake_

_At first I was afraid_  
><em>I was petrified<em>  
><em>I kept thinking<em>  
><em>I could never live without you by my side<em>  
><em>But then I spent so many nights<em>  
><em>Just thinking how you'd done me wrong<em>  
><em>And I grew strong<em>  
><em>I learned how to get along<em>  
><em>So now you're back<em>  
><em>From outer space<em>  
><em>I just walked in to find you here<em>  
><em>Without the look upon your face<em>  
><em>I should have changed my f-ing lock<em>  
><em>I would have made you leave your key<em>  
><em>If I'd have known for just one second<em>  
><em>You'd be back to bother me<em>

_Oh now go,_  
><em>Walk out the door<em>  
><em>Just turn around now<em>  
><em>You're not welcome anymore<em>  
><em>Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire<em>  
><em>Did you think I'd crumble<em>  
><em>Did you think I'd lay down and die<em>  
><em>Oh no, not I<em>  
><em>I will survive<em>  
><em>As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive<em>  
><em>I've got all my life to live<em>  
><em>I've got all my love to give<em>  
><em>I will survive<em>  
><em>I will survive<em>  
><em>Yeah, yeah<em>

_It took all the strength I had_  
><em>Just not to fall apart<em>  
><em>I'm trying hard to mend the pieces<em>  
><em>Of my broken heart<em>  
><em>And I spent oh so many nights<em>  
><em>Just feeling sorry for myself<em>  
><em>I used to cry<em>  
><em>But now I hold my head up high<em>  
><em>And you see me<em>  
><em>With somebody new<em>  
><em>I'm not that stupid little person still in love with you<em>  
><em>And so you thought you'd just drop by<em>  
><em>And you expect me to be free<em>  
><em>But now I'm saving all my loving<em>  
><em>For someone who's loving me<em>


	2. Regrets

**A/N:** So if felt really good to write the first chapter of this. Castle deserves better than Kate is giving him right now and I liked the image of him recognizing and acting on that. But, I couldn't leave it that way. Beckett's strong enough to realize that she needs him as much as he needs her and do some of the chasing for a bit. I've got several more chapters outlined and plan to publish them soon, but don't know what kind of schedule I'll be able to maintain. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the story, good or bad.

**Chapter 2: Regrets**

Kate leaned against the front door of her apartment after shutting it behind her. She closed her eyes briefly but was greeted with the memory of Castle and the anger and hurt she had seen earlier that day. She quickly opened her eyes, trying to avoid reliving that moment. She moved slowly into the room, laying her keys, gun and badge on the coffee table. She wandered into the kitchen and opened the fridge. She wasn't hungry in the slightest but the familiarity of the task helped her avoid feeling that her world was crumbling around her. She moved to the cupboard and settled on some red wine. Maybe it would help her relax enough to sleep tonight. Surely things would be better in the morning.

After finishing the bottle, she'd been able to fall into a restless sleep, but Kate woke a few short hours later with fresh tears staining her face. She'd dreamed of him, of all the moments they'd shared over the years, all the heartbreaks they'd caused each other – Castle meddling in her mom's case, Demming, Gina, Josh, Montgomery, her shooting and recovery. They always seemed to hurt one another. She wondered if it was for the best, going their separate ways. Her head said it was but her heart knew better.

She groaned at the pounding in her head as she rolled over and looked at the clock. It was three o'clock in the morning and it looked like she wouldn't be getting any more sleep tonight. She laid on her back staring at the ceiling in the dark, remembering more of her dreams. She'd dreamed of the times they'd been there for each other. When they'd saved each other and faced death together. She laid in bed recalling the feel of his arms around her as they sat in the freezer, the taste of their kiss during the rescue of Ryan and Esposito, the warmth of his hand in hers as the bomb ticked down. She remembered, also, the pleading look in his eyes as he begged her to let her mother's case go and the strength of his arms and the pain in his face as he carried her away from Montgomery in the hangar. Even as she'd fought against him, she'd been glad he was the one there with her. The worst memory was of how he'd held her after she'd been shot, begging her to live, telling her he loved her. She'd lied to him about that, denying that she remembered any of it.

Getting up, she stumbled into the kitchen to start some coffee brewing. While she waited, she went to the medicine cabinet to get something for her headache. Closing the cabinet door she met her own eyes in the mirror. She stared at herself for a long time trying to decipher the memories and emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. How the hell had she gotten here? The smell of fresh coffee pulled her out of her head and into the kitchen. Pouring herself a cup, she began to get ready for the day. She would head into work early and bury herself in the cases and paperwork. Just like always.

[][][]

Kate walked slowly into the morgue. Looking around at the cold and steel always made her feel alone. Even with her best friend, the ME, here, this room always seemed so lonely, always reminding her of loved ones lost. Her eyes searched the room for a moment before landing on Lanie working on her computer.

"Just a sec," the doctor called upon hearing Kate enter, but she didn't turn from her work yet.

Kate sighed and nodded, even though the ME couldn't see her. She wasn't sure why she'd come down here. She really didn't want to discuss everything with the other woman but she couldn't stand to be upstairs in the bullpen. He had his writing and occasional meetings so it wasn't uncommon for him to be gone sometimes, especially when they didn't have an active case. No one else seemed to have noticed but for her, his absence screamed louder and louder every minute. She knew it wasn't business as usual with him. She knew he wasn't coming back.

When she came out of her reverie, she saw Lanie watching her with a concerned look on her face. "You OK, girl?" her friend inquired.

Shaking her head to try and clear her thoughts, Kate glanced at her watch. It was almost lunch time. "Yeah, I'm fine," she assured the ME. "Do you want to go grab some lunch?"

Lanie didn't look convinced that Kate was fine, but she went along with it, for now. "No Writer Boy for lunch, today?" she asked with a suggestive glint in her eye. Kate just shook her head. Really worried now, Lanie agreed to lunch, "Sure, Kate. Just let me get my purse."

[][][]

They sat down in a booth at a diner near work. After placing their orders, Lanie looked expectantly at Kate who pretended not to notice. Realizing it would go on like this for the entire meal if she didn't push, she prodded Kate, "Are you going to tell me what's going on?" As Kate started to shake her head, Lanie continued, "And don't even try to tell me nothing. I know people. People who are good at getting information out of those reluctant to share. Don't make me call them."

Kate swallowed anxiously, looking down at her lap. "He's gone," she admitted. It came out as little more than a whisper, but her friend heard it and seemed confused.

"Is he on a book tour?" she asked. They both knew exactly whom they were discussing.

Lanie was surprised to see Kate's eyes shimmer with tears when she looked up from her lap. "No," Kate continued, "He's really gone. For good." Kate wiped quickly at the tear that rolled down her face.

The ME's expression registered real shock as she waited for her friend to continue.

Looking out the window, Kate began, "Yesterday, I walked in on him kissing" her voice broke and she had to pause to regain control. "He was kissing someone else. It hurt me to see it and I stormed off. He followed me." Kate paused to wipe another tear away. She met Lanie's eyes and continued, "We fought. Actually, it was too one sided to be a fight. He yelled at me and then he told me he was done waiting. He walked away without even looking back."

The other woman quietly nodded. "Let's go, Kate. We don't want to talk about this here." Lanie quietly asked the server to make their orders to go and the women left the diner shortly.

[][][]

Sitting on the roof of the Twelfth Precinct, Lanie watched Kate ignore her lunch as she stared off in the distance, sharing what had happened yesterday with Castle. As she listened, Lanie was conflicted. She knew Kate was hurting and wanted to comfort her friend. But she also knew Kate was partially at fault here. She had ignored Lanie's pushes to talk with Castle, admit what she remembered, accept how she felt. And now, it had blown up in her friend's face. If the ME was surprised at anything, it was that it had taken him this long to do it. Most men would have given up much sooner. It just proved how much Castle loved Kate.

Lanie realized that the talking had stopped, but Kate continued to stare across the city. Her concern for her friend won out and she walked up and wrapped Kate in a hug.

"What do you want Kate?" Lanie gently asked.

"Him," came the soft reply.

Lanie sighed, expecting as much. "Then fight for him, but only if you're sure, Kate. Really sure. Because if you aren't one hundred percent committed to this... I don't think he can take anymore. If you get his hopes up and don't follow through, it will break him in a way I don't think he'll ever recover from." She waited as Kate thought about what she'd just said.

"Him," Kate repeated, "I want him."

Lanie smiled and said, "OK, then," as the two women headed back inside.


	3. Moving On

**Chapter 3: Moving On**

The harsh blaring of an alarm snapped Rick out of a daze. Glancing at the clock, he noted it was 5:45 A.M. That alarm would belong to Alexis. His mother certainly wouldn't be getting up this early. He looked back at the mockingly empty laptop screen staring at him. Unable to sleep, he'd come down stairs almost 2 hours ago, to try and write. He was supposed to be working on the next Nikki Heat novel but he had nothing, absolutely nothing, so far. Hearing the shower come on upstairs, he snapped his computer shut and got up to go fix Alexis some breakfast.

"Something smells good," announced his daughter as she came down the stairs. "Did you make breakfast, dad?"

"Morning, pumpkin," he replied, pausing in his cooking to drop a kiss on the top of her head. "And yes, I woke up early and thought I would send you off to school with a hearty breakfast, but it's not quite ready yet."

Snatching a piece of bacon from the plate, she took in his appearance. He was barefoot, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. "Aren't you going to the precinct today, Dad?" she asked.

Glad his back was to her so she couldn't see the look on his face, Castle forced a smile and turned to her. "Nope. I thought I'd stay home and write today. Someone," he paused to send a pointed stare her way, "keeps reminding me I'm a writer and not a cop." He lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, "I thought some actual writing might help sell that story a bit better."

"Sounds good," she said, laughing around a mouth full of pancake. "Thanks for breakfast, but I've got a study group before school. I don't want to be late." She grabbed one more piece of bacon before leaning into her father for a hug.

"Have a good day, kiddo," he told her as she headed to the door.

"You too, Dad" she answered, just before the door shut behind her.

Relief washed over him as the door closed after his daughter. He knew she worried more about him than she should and had been determined that she not know anything was wrong this morning. But the act had been tough to maintain and he was glad it was over. His mother wouldn't be up for quite a while so he expected to have some time to himself.

[][][]

A couple of hours later, he contemplated what had filled his day so far. He'd broken off his relationship that morning. What he'd said to Kate yesterday had made him feel guilty. "She's not you, Kate. But she's here." That was the wrong reason to be with someone. No woman deserved to be a man's replacement for the one he really wanted. She'd been pissed, suspecting it had something to do with Beckett walking in on them the day before. Rick had refused to let the conversation go there, though and had ended it respectfully, but quickly.

He'd also deleted Kate's contact information from his phone. He had stared at her name and number for a full thirty minutes before finally hitting the delete button. Making the break from her was heartbreaking, but he didn't see that he had any other choice. Telling himself that he might need a source in the NYPD, he'd left Ryan and Esposito's numbers in his phone, but he didn't really believe that was the reason. He like that they provided an indirect link to her. He wasn't ready to give that up, yet. After cleaning the kitchen, he was ready to write. Hopefully, it would go better now.

Forty-five minutes later, the screen remained blank. "Damn!" he swore, pushing back from the desk. He was good and truly stuck. Every time he tried to write Nikki and Rook, he got lost in the memories of him and Kate. He didn't want to dwell on what could have been, but writing characters so much like the two of them made it impossible not to think about their relationship.

Maybe it was time for something new, to go in a different direction. He opened the idea file he kept and scanned through it. His eyes stopped on one idea and he thought for a moment. That was definitely different. It might be different enough. Ideas started to roam in his head. He could write about this. Relief flooded him as he pushed all thoughts of detectives and writers from his mind.

[][][]

The slamming of the door startled him. He looked at the clock and realized that must be Alexis coming home from school. The day had flown by. He bounced out of the office to go greet her.

"Hey, there. How was school?" he asked scooping her into a big hug.

"Someone's in a good mood." she laughed. "School was fine, the usual. I take it your day was good?"

"I've got a new idea for a story. I've been working on it all day and I really like it." he informed her, following her into the kitchen.

Alexis opened the fridge, looking for a snack. "Tell me about it, Dad." she prompted.

"Well, it's really different from my usual stuff," he explained, "Still mysteries, but in the future. I'm thinking of a quirky crew, on a space ship. Maybe they're into some shady stuff. But they also care about people and help when they can." He grinned at her before continuing, "I've been playing with it all day. It's been fun!"

"I suppose that could work, but what about Nikki Heat? Aren't you behind on the next three chapters?" Her perceptive eyes didn't miss the pain that washed over his face before he could gather himself.

"I'm just not feeling it right now. I know I have to finish the novel but for the time being, I really need to work on something else." he admitted turning away from her.

Realization hit her. "Did something happen, Dad?" she asked, "With you and Beckett?"

He met her gaze, "Honey, I really don't want to talk about it."

"You always want to talk about it, Dad," she was getting concerned now.

"Not this time," he replied gently before walking out of the room.

Alexis stared at his retreating back, chewing on her bottom lip. Something had happened between her Dad and Detective Beckett, something big.

[][][]

Lying in bed that night, Rick gave in to the emotions he'd been fighting all day. God, he missed her. He missed her laugh, her scent. He even missed the exasperated look on her face when she disapproved of one of his jokes. He'd known it would be hard, but not this hard. Still, he was sure he'd done the right thing. For so long, he'd believed she would eventually lower her barriers and risk loving him, and it wasn't easy to give up that dream. Katherine Beckett was not ever going to let him into her walled off heart. She was probably never going to let anyone in. But, despite a career that kept him immersed in a world of fantasy, he could face reality too. He was done tilting at windmills.

It hurt like hell now, but it would get better.

Wouldn't it?


	4. Progress

Chapter 4: Progress

As Kate sat at her desk in the empty bull pen, she was thinking about how to get Rick to come back. She couldn't fight for him if he wasn't around. Maybe they'd get a case he wouldn't be able to refuse. Was it wrong to hope a body dropped today?

Shortly after noon, she overheard Ryan and Esposito playing rock paper scissors to see who has to ask her about Castle. Ryan groaned as he lost. "Beckett," he called from his desk, hoping for safety in the distance between them. She didn't let him have that as she walked over. "Yes?" she inquired.

"Um, where's Castle? This is the second day he hasn't been here and he usually lets us know when he'll be out of town for a while." Ryan continued.

"Not here," is all Kate said. She walked a few steps away before turning back over her shoulder, "And not coming back." Then she left the bull pen.

The boys looked at each other with shock. They were both surprised that she hadn't said more, hadn't commented on Castle's absence. She hadn't even told them to mind their own business.

[][][]

Kate closed her phone and set it back on the coffee table. It was the fourth time in 2 days that she'd called Rick. He hadn't taken any of her calls. She was disappointed but had to admit it was expected. She'd known it wouldn't be that easy.

After reaching for her wine glass, she settled back into her couch. She wasn't surprised anymore by how much she missed him. She thought about him all the time, her mind constantly filling in the irreverent remarks he always made. She also hadn't realized how many little ways he took care of her, made sure she knew he cared for her. The morning coffee was only the tip of that particular iceberg. Castle was the first man she had known that respected her need for space. He never pushed when she didn't want to share what was going on in her head. He didn't even seem upset by it. Of course now she realized that it must have wounded him more than he'd shown. It scared her to think about opening up more to him but she knew she would have to if they even had a chance.

She realized that while she had tried so hard to keep herself from caring too much for him, lest he disappear and leave her alone, she had utterly failed. She was in love with him. She couldn't deny it anymore, at least not to herself. She also saw now that pushing him away hadn't protected her from the pain like she'd hoped. She wondered if she hadn't actually made it worse because she knew she'd done it to herself. She had no one else to blame.

[][][]

Beckett sat in her car, outside Castle's building. It had been a few days since she'd last tried to call him. She was hoping that the passing time made it more likely that he would let her in. She'd been wrong. With a groan she remembered standing outside his door and the courage it had taken her to finally knock. She'd been both disappointed and relieved when Martha had answered the door.

"Is he in?" Kate asked quietly.

"Yes," Martha replied. "Come in, and I'll go tell him you're here."

Kate waited nervously in the foyer while Martha headed towards the office. It surprised Kate to see Martha close the door behind her after she went in to Rick's office. She could hear the murmur of voices, taking longer than a simple "someone's here to see you" conversation. Finally, she heard Rick raise his voice, "Damn it, Mother. I already answered that. Now, leave!" There was a moment of silence before Martha exited the office, alone, quietly shutting the door behind her. The older woman looked sadly at Kate before explaining, "He said to tell you he's writing right now and can't be disturbed." When their eyes met, it was clear that both women knew that writing wasn't really the reason he wouldn't see Kate. Neither of them was prepared to address the real situation, though.

"Oh. OK." Kate said, a flush creeping over her face. "That's OK. I'll just go now."

Martha nodded and opened the front door for her. As Kate passed by, she felt Martha's touch, gentle on her back. She smiled sadly at the older woman before turning and walking through the door.

Once Kate was outside the building, she had looked back up at Rick's office window. She thought she saw someone move quickly away from the window, but couldn't really be sure. Now she sat in her car overwhelmed by discouragement. She was just now realizing how hard this was going to be. She had known she had hurt him but didn't fully understand how much until now.

She drew a deep breath and squared her shoulders. She had her issues but she was certainly able to be strong and determined when the situation called for it. This one clearly did. Rick didn't stand a chance. As she pulled away from the curb, her focus was on what her next move would be, so she missed the return of the figure in the window of Rick's office.

Rick stood in the window watching Kate drive away. His mother had been insistent that Rick come out and greet his visitor. She'd asked him what happened, why he wouldn't come out and see her. She obviously wasn't buying the writing excuse, and Rick had to agree it was pretty flimsy. He'd actually had to yell at her to get her to leave. After she'd closed the door, he'd gone to the window hoping to catch a glimpse of Kate. He was miserable without her but he kept telling himself that it would get better. He'd learn to live without her. He would stop aching for her presence. He would stop dreaming of her all night long. He poured himself a drink and sat back in his chair, knowing he wouldn't get any more writing done today.

A soft knock interrupted his thoughts. "Come in." he sighed. Looking up, he saw his daughter in the doorway.

"Gram said Detective Beckett came by," the girl stated, pausing to give her dad a chance to respond. He merely nodded. "She said you wouldn't see her, that you sent her away." she added. He nodded again.

"Why, Dad?" she asked. "What's going on that you're not telling us? You claim that you're spending more time at home so you can write and you lock yourself in the office all day. Gina keeps calling, wanting to know where the next chapter of Nikki Heat is, though so you must not be writing. Something is wrong. What is it? Did you and Kate have a fight?" Rick looked up, once again wondering at the girl's perceptiveness.

"Alexis, I don't want to talk about it." he replied.

"I know, you've already said that," continued Alexis, "but something is clearly going on and you are obviously unhappy. You always tell me that talking about it makes it better."

He leaned his head back against the chair, "I know pumpkin, but not this time. It's …. complicated. I'm fine." he looked at her disbelieving face before admitting, "I'll be fine." He finished his drink and resolutely stood up. "So what do you feel like for dinner tonight. Want to make some pizza?" He headed to the kitchen not looking back to make sure she followed. The discussion about Kate and him was obviously closed. She headed into the kitchen too, letting him think he'd avoided the topic, knowing she had other ways to find out what had happened.

[][][]

The next day, Kate was slogging through paperwork on their latest case when someone sat in Castle's chair. That surprised her because everyone in the precinct had been studiously avoiding the chair since Rick had been gone. She was even more shocked when she looked at the occupant and saw Alexis sitting there. The girl looked guilty which worried Kate even more.

"Alexis," the Detective began, "is everything OK? Do you need help?"

Alexis looked startled by the question and then understanding dawned, "Oh, no, Detective Beckett. Nothing like that is going on. I'm here on a personal matter."

Kate relaxed a bit while waiting for the girl to continue. When she didn't, Becket prompted her, "Then why are you here?"

Alexis had already been questioning the wisdom of coming to see the detective. Now she felt sure she shouldn't have come. She stood up brusquely. "I'm sorry, Detective. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'll leave." She was turning a bright shade of red as she turned to leave. Kate stopped her with a gentle hand on the shoulder.

"Hey, it's OK. Really. I'm just …. surprised to see you here." she hesitated. "Does your dad know you came to see me?" Kate asked, already suspecting the answer was no.

Alexis still looked unsure as she sat back down on the edge of the chair. "No, he doesn't," she admitted and then looked Kate straight in the eyes, "and he'd be really mad if he knew I was here." she finished.

Kate nodded knowingly, "I thought so. What was so important that you'd go against your fathers wishes?" she asked, knowing that Alexis was usually one to follow the rules, sometimes too strictly.

"I'm so worried about him. He's not himself and won't tell me what's going on. I want to know what happened. Why isn't he coming to the station anymore? Why is he so unhappy? What happened to you two?" The words, now that she finally had the courage to say them, came out in a rush.

Kate stalled, "It's complicated."

Alexis huffed and rolled her eyes. "That's what he says too. I think that's crap." she said with a faint blush.

Kate was surprised at Alexis' response. "It's true" she insisted, "it is complicated. I also don't want to overstep. If he hasn't told you, maybe it's not my place to."

"Oh please, since when is he mature enough to manage his own life." she demanded?

"Look, all I'm going to say is that we had a ….falling out and he's pretty mad at me right now." she paused before admitting ruefully, "Not without cause, either. Anyway, I'm trying to fix things. He's just being more stubborn that usual. You don't need to worry about it, Alexis. We'll get it settled." Kate realized she sounded far more confident than she felt.

Alexis pondered the older woman's words for a moment. "I'm just worried about him. He's trying hard to seem OK but sometimes he gets this awfully sad look on his face. All he does is hide in his office. He says he's writing but I hear very little typing actually going on and Gina keeps calling, asking for the overdue chapters of Nikki Heat. He's not writing, he's not going out, he's not talking to anyone."

Kate knew she shouldn't ask, but couldn't help herself. "I thought he was seeing someone?"

"He went out with some woman a couple of times but he hasn't seen her in a few weeks. Not since he quit coming to the precinct." Alexis explained.

Kate tried to assure the girl, "I know you're worried about your dad but you're going to have to be patient a little longer. He's going to be OK." Kate assured her. She stood and Alexis followed suit.

"Thanks, Detective Beckett." Alexis offered. "It helps to know a little more about what's going on."

"Anytime." Kate assured her, pulling her into a quick hug.

Kate watched Alexis enter the elevator and thought about the conversation. Apparently, Rick wasn't as serious about the other woman as he'd led her to believe. That was interesting. She was a little ashamed at the feeling of relief that flooded her with the knowledge that he wasn't seeing anyone. She should want him to be happy, but what she really wanted was for him to be happy with her. This was good. Kate smiled inwardly; it was very good.

[][][]

Alexis knew immediately that she'd been found out when she got home. Her dad was agitated as he paced around the living room. He turned towards her as soon as she shut the door behind herself. She could see the anger in his face.

"Where have you been?" he demanded sternly.

"I, uh, went to the precinct. To see Detective Beckett." she almost whispered.

"After I specifically asked you not to?" he was getting quieter... and angrier.

"Dad, you wouldn't tell me anything. You're clearly unhappy. I am worried about you. I just want to know what's going on." Alexis explained.

His eyes narrowed as he asked his daughter, "Did you tell her I was unhappy?" His tone of voice made it clear what the right answer was.

Alexis looked at the ground and admitted quietly, "yes."

She was unprepared for his explosion, "Damn it, Alexis! What were you thinking? I asked you to leave it alone. I made it clear..." he stopped himself as he watched tears roll down his daughter's cheeks. He immediately felt guilty for yelling at her. This situation was not her fault. He took a moment to compose himself.

"I'm sorry, pumpkin. I shouldn't have yelled," he said, pulling her into a hug. "I just really don't want you to interfere in this. I know you're worried, but I'm fine. Really."

Alexis just nodded and went up to her room.

That evening, in his office, he thought guiltily about how he'd blown up at Alexis. And about how worried she must be about him to have gone to the precinct. He resolved to do a better job at hiding his distress. Worrying his daughter and mother would only complicate the already difficult situation.

[][][]

Kate checked her email, the next morning, just like she did at the start of every day. She was searching for a surveillance video she was waiting on when a name stopped her in her tracks. It was from him. Her stomach clenched as she clicked on it to open it.

_Beckett, _

_Don't discuss my personal life with my daughter. Don't discuss anything with her._

_R.C._

She could feel his anger radiating off the screen. He must have found out that Alexis had come to see her and was obviously not happy about it. She hoped the girl hadn't gotten into too much trouble at home. She was also just a little pleased. At least he hadn't ignored her this time.

[][][]

Kate gave him a few days to calm down a little before trying to contact him again. This time, she sent an email. Suspecting that he might not even open it, she put the main message in the subject which read, "I'm sorry. Please call me." He didn't call and didn't reply, not that she'd expected him to.

The next one, three days later, said "Rick, please talk to me." That one didn't get any response either.

A couple of weeks and 5 more emails later, she upped the ante. This one said, "Always, Rick. You said always." Thirty minutes later she had a reply.

_Kate, _

_Yes, I said always. And I meant it. I still do. If you need anything that's in my power, you'll have it. But that doesn't mean I have to keep following you around, waiting forever for you to finally think I was worth the risk. If you were ever going to take a chance on us, you would have done it by now._

_R.C._

She sighed. At least he was talking to her again.

It was progress.


	5. All In

**A/N: Please note the change in rating. This chapter has pushed the rating to M. Proceed at your own risk.**

Also, thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed this story. It's so encouraging to know people are enjoying what I've written. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

**Chapter 5: All In**

Rick sat on the couch flipping mindlessly through the channels on TV. He was alone in the house. Alexis was spending the night with a friend and his mother was on a date. He loved his family but was glad for some time to himself. They hovered these days and it was both touching and annoying.

He'd been working a lot on his new novel. In fact, just that afternoon he'd finally come up with a title, Serenity, something he could sure use more of in his life.

It was almost midnight but he was hungry. When he heard a knock at the door, he assumed it was the take out he'd ordered a little while ago.

He was not prepared to see Kate standing outside his apartment when he opened the door. A flurry of emotions washed over his face: joy at seeing her, fear about what might have caused her late night visit, and finally anger about everything that had happened between them. He tried to close the door but was stopped by her foot in the doorway.

"Rick," she began, "I'm not leaving until you talk to me." Then she just waited.

He didn't want to talk to her. No, that wasn't true. He really did want to talk to her but didn't trust himself to. He missed her so much that he was afraid he would cave and go back to how things used to be.

She watched patiently as he his internal struggle played out on his face. She saw the moment when he thought he had her.

"How do you know I'm alone, Kate?" he demanded. "Maybe I have ….company."

"I don't know." she replied honestly looking straight in his eyes before quietly admitting, "But I hope you're not seeing anyone. Regardless, I had to come anyway. Please let me in."

He closed his eye in defeat. Nodding quietly, he pulled the door more fully open and gestured for her to come in. After closing the door behind her, he went and sat on the couch, waiting for her to join him. He had leaned his head back and closed his eyes mentally preparing to fight to keep what ground he'd worked so hard for in the months since he'd last seen her. He felt her weight on the couch as she sat down and waited for her to speak. She seemed content in the quiet.

Finally, he broke the silence without opening his eyes, "Why are you here, Kate?"

"I miss you," she replied, "I can't stand how things are between us."

He opened his eyes to look at her and told her, "I can't stand how things were between us. I told you I can't do it anymore. That hasn't changed."

"I know." she answered, "but those don't have to be our only choices, do they? What if …. what if I am ready for more?" He watched her, eyes narrowing, as she paused and then continued, "You can't go back to how things were. I get that. That hasn't changed. What about other things changing." She paused, clearly struggling with what she wanted to say next. A look of determination took over her face and she continued, "Has …. how you feel …. about me …. changed?" She looked scared as she asked the next question. "Do you still …. love me?"

Her eyes pleaded with him to say yes as she watched the shock register on his face. She didn't give him a chance to ask the question forming in his mind but confirmed for him, "I remember being shot. I heard what you said to me." She gulped audibly before admitting, "I've always remembered."

She recoiled at the look of hurt that consumed his features. "I'm so sorry Rick. I should have told you. I shouldn't have lied. You didn't deserve that. Right after the shooting, things were so confusing. I couldn't think straight. Then, later," she took a deep breath, "Later, I just took the easy way out. I avoided the subject because I was scared. I was wrong. Please forgive me."

She had finished with a quiet strength to her words that surprised him a little. His thoughts raced through his mind. She'd known all this time, and still she'd pushed him away. Part of him was angry at her for lying to him, but a part of him understood as well. He knew she'd lost people she loved. He understood how wounded she really was under her tough detective shell. He could see how his confession would have scared her. And she was here now, admitting she knew, apologizing for the lie.

"Rick, do you?" she interrupted his thoughts. "Do you still love me?"

He wouldn't compound the situation between them by adding another lie. "Yes," he admitted without opening his eyes or turning to look at her. Her heart wrenched a little at the sadness she heard in his voice as he admitted it.

He felt her move closer to him on the couch and smelled the scent of cherries before feeling her slip her hand into his. "Look at me." she begged. When he ignored the request, she move closer, leaning up against him and asked again, "Rick, please, look at me." Still, he didn't open his eyes.

He felt her move once more and was shocked when she straddled his lap, one knee on either side of him before placing her hands on the sides of his face. "Open your eyes," she pleaded Unable to resist any longer he warily met her gaze.

"I love you, too," she told him before placing a soft kiss on his shocked mouth. She gave him a moment, before continuing. "I have loved you for a long time. I was too afraid to admit it, though. I've lost so many people I cared about, and I tried to do everything I could to protect myself from feeling that way again. When you left, I realized that the distance I insisted on hadn't protected me at all. I was still loosing people I cared for. Only, this time, it was worse because it was my own fault." She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his.

Rick thought about what she had said, his mind reeling from the changes he saw in her. For the first time in months, hope flared in his chest. His hands slid up her legs to hold her waist gently. She smiled as she felt his fingers tentatively stroke the skin just under the edge of her shirt. "Are you sure, Kate? I can't take..." she stopped him with a finger against his lips.

"Absolutely," she assured him. "I can't promise I won't still be scared, but I can promise not to run. Not from you. Not anymore."

His arms tightened around her pulling her even closer to him. His kiss was full of all the emotion they had spent years dancing around. She returned the kiss with as much assurance as she could. She needed him to know she was all in.

Kate flicked her tongue across his bottom lip and he immediately opened his mouth to allow her entrance. He groaned at the feel of her tongue on his and slid his hands under her shirt, up her back pulling her harder against him. He was surprised when she pushed back against him, leaning away. But he smiled when she reach for the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it off of him. She leaned in for another kiss and he shuddered as her hands ran over him, her fingers toying with the hair dusting his chest. His hands had moved from her back to her stomach before beginning to work on the buttons of her blouse. He kissed his way up her body as he gradually opened the shirt, finally pushing it off her shoulders. He drank her in with his eyes, awed by her beauty. She noticed his eyes fall on the scar from the shooting and began to feel self-conscious. But she relaxed as he leaned in to kiss his way across the mark. She heard him mutter quietly, "So beautiful," as his lips trailed over her body. When he moved his mouth to tease a nipple through her bra, a gasp escaped her.

Around her moan she asked, "Martha? Alexis?"

"Gone until morning," came his reply, his eyes darkening with desire for her.

He whimpered a protest when she got up but smiled when she offered her hand. "Let's go to bed, Rick," she said before leading the way to his room.

She stopped just inside his doorway pulling him up behind her. He swept her hair from the side of her neck, dropping open mouthed kissed along her shoulder and neck. His hands slid up to cup her breasts. She reached back to unhook her bra, needing to feel him on her skin. Turning as the bra fell to the floor she reached up to pull his head down in a searing kiss. His hands slid down to cup her ass as he picked her up and carried her to the bed. He lay her down and leaned over her, reaching to unbutton her jeans and slide them with her panties from her body.

She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen and here she was lying, naked in his bed. He couldn't stop the huge grin from overtaking his face. She laughed gently and then made an impatient sound as she reached for him. He quickly rid himself of his own pants and boxers before lowering himself onto the bed beside her.

Their hands and mouths seemed to be everywhere all at once the only sounds in the room the heaviness of their breathing and the moans of pleasure the elicited from each other. Finally, Kate couldn't stand it any longer and leaned inclose to whisper, "I need you in me. Now." She locked eyes with him as he slid into her, holding his gaze as long as she could. When she couldn't take the intensity anymore her eyes rolled back and she began to move with him.

Her eyes snapped back open when he reached down to toy with the bundle of nerves at her core. Soon he felt her convulse around him and it pushed him over the edge as well. After they'd both come down and began breathing more normally, he looked at her with hesitation in his face.

"Are you still scared?" he asked her.

She smiled softly, "Yes, I am." she admitted, "But I'm not going to give into it. You're stuck with me." She turned further into him, snuggling closer to him. "I love you," she whispered

He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair, reveling in the feel of the woman he loved, the woman who loved him, in his arms as they both drifted off to sleep.

[][][]

Alexis entered the loft quietly the next morning and was shocked to see a woman's blouse laying across the back of the couch. Did Dad have a woman spend the night? Hm, this was new. Maybe he was finally getting over whatever had happened with Detective Beckett. Heading to the kitchen, she opened the fridge looking for some breakfast. She heard the door to her dad's room open and turned to greet him. Her jaw dropped when she saw it wasn't her dad at all but Kate Beckett. And she was wearing one of her dad's shirts and nothing else. Kate entered the kitchen and pulled a glass out of the cabinet. After filling it with water she smiled shyly at Alexis. "See, I told you I'd fix it," she said quietly. Turning to head back to the bedroom, she missed the huge grin on Alexis' face.

FIN 


End file.
